The Brave And The Bald

by Tynan on August 19, 2012

Why is it so often that a homeless dude will maintain a thick, full – dare I say, potentially lustrous – head of hair?

Mind you, it’s usually held firm with some mixture of sediment, newsprint and the same Something About Mary brand of styling mousse that comes of bartering a blow job in a freeway underpass for a mostly soiled posturepedic pillow and an uncommonly fat apple core. (Sure, it may be a buyer’s market but there’s always a toothless reprobate just waiting to undercut you, and you know he’s not pushing for the apple core.)

Still, can it be as simple as the fact that this gentleman took his foot off the gas in the automobile of life sometime ago and thereby skipped every stress and concern that would have him stressing himself down to a weathered wispy scalp?

I remember the me of 5 to 8 years ago (this, prior to my own concerns about my hair) proclaiming; “Yeah dude, I’ll totally shave a bald patch into my head for the show. I’d go full on first season Captain Picard in the service of getting a laugh. The pilot for this web series is gonna change the landscape… (cricket noise)”

Younger me. Fuck, I hate that guy.

In the wake of a close friend’s decision to ‘pull a Piven’ and color in the empty spots on his skull, I’ve wondered more if a person is better or worse off with a defiantly thick head of hair well into their later life.

To put in a more grandiose frame, does a human man need impetus to evolve and improve?

(Besides, doesn’t it seem more in keeping with some utopian ideal, wherein we all wear an agreed upon uniform (the jumpsuit seems like the sci-fi future outfit of choice), that we also ‘evolve’ past concerns about our coiffure? This way, every boy and girl in the schoolyard can be free to tease every other boy and girl with the moniker “chrome dome”. That is a level playing field.)

James Adomian wrote a piece in’08 on the delusions of immortality and ego manifest in Baby Boomer Targeted Commercials. The generation that “freed love, went to the moon and changed the world” now had earned a twilight filled with hair loss remedies, boner pills and cruise ship tours of environmental decay. Kind of an Easy Rider-esque “Hair Flowing In The Wind and Fuck Off Farewell Tour”;  all sanctioned and narrated by their formerly free-wheeling movie idols like Hopper and Bridges.

Is this what happens when you stop being hard on yourself? You lead a better, blander life.

(Historically, I’ve been so hard on myself, I’ve had whole weeks spent pulling my hair out to finish a draft of a spec script but, I’m not entirely sure that’s the point or purpose of life either. I wouldn’t say brutality is at the other end of the bland spectrum.)

There’s now a Possible Cure for Baldness maybe a few years away from being an actual cure for baldness. We cracked that square watermelon conundrum, so I’m of course speculating on the next intersection of innovation and public outcry.

(quick side note on the Brian Williams NBC news clip above;  is there anyone – maybe, in the history of mankind – better suited to report on this, than man who would be NBC king ding-a-ling Matt Lauer? He’s got that ‘prince passed over for the crown’ vibe about him. I can see him tearfully pleading to his ‘magic vanity mirror’ for at least that minimal, Nightly News anchor, sweep of hair. I vote, by the way, for his just saying ‘balls, to all this half-measure shite’ and showing up to work with an awesomely obvious wig.. just this huge, coiffed head of horse hair… and then never acknowledging its audacity.)

The cure for cue balledness is now – like an assortment of other ‘mind-fuck level’ advancements – just over the horizon but, my concerns are for the future hours I’ll allow this hypothetical to haunt me. Forget the shame (or spouse) that compels you to scrub clean your cyber trail of perused pornography, I’d be happy to just move past the compulsion to look up counter-measures for hair I’ve yet to lose.
That is to say, I hold out hope that I’ll evolve.
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